Stimulus for Greatness

Throughout the history of humanity we have groped our way through the darkness with an ever brightening since of hope created out of the human propensity for self improvement. Every generation gets to stand on the shoulders of their predecessors to see further and accomplish more in an asymptotic journey towards perfection! In the 1940’s a pinnacle was reached in the back hills of Tennessee by two brothers, Barney and Ally Hartman. They discovered a substance that would forever increase the quality of life for future generations of humanity. Mountain Dew was born!!!

Since Dew made its debut on Earth we have seen a burst in technological advancement the likes of which has never been seen in the history of civilization. It was Dew that allowed the scientists at Los Alamos to stay up late and complete their work on the atomic bomb which saved us from the tyranny of a ruthless dictator bent on global domination. It was Dew that provided scientists at Cape Canaveral the inspiration for the rocket fuel that would get us to the moon. It was Dew that provided the impetus for the entire computer revolution and proceeding internet craze.

Not only has Dew changed the very face of humanity forever but it has had a profound personal affect on me. It has transformed me from a mediocre, mindless automaton that awkwardly stumbled his way through life into a juggernaut of intellectual greatness capable of hacking into the wee hours of the night on a diet of nothing but Cheetos and Oreos, capable of completing that project for the boss that he gave me last quarter in the final 5 hours before the presentation because I couldn’t be pulled away from owning newbs on Halo for the past 4 months, capable of giving that presentation under the pretense that I got plenty of sleep even though there was a Jet Li marathon on Spike last night!

When my time on this planet finally comes to a close I will complete the BMX, Snow boarding, and Rock Climbing triathlon to get to the sugary gates of heaven and I will bow before the Dew Goddess and suckle the sweet nectar from her teats until they are nothing but dried up flaps of skin that hang sadly from her chest and I will sit belated, bloated, and belching and finally know true happiness!